LAUGHING GAS

I watch Pakistani TV every day. It helps me build perspective and broaden my horizons about our Western neighbours. But it also helps with a lesser intellectual pursuit. In these trying times, it helps me laugh. Sometimes, it’s a short laugh, the kind you experience when something is funny but not so much. A short laugh that starts and stops, perhaps undecided if the joke is still funny after the laugh left your throat. You abruptly stop, not wanting to appreciate the joke more than it really deserves.

A few Pakistani TV anchors are sharp, incisive and knowledgeable. They speak extremely well and do detailed research before they appear on screen. But you cannot laugh at them because they are professionally competent. I avoid watching them.

And then there are the legends of Pakistani TV. They elicit a different kind of laughter; it starts from the pit of the stomach and travels all the way up, working its way from my intestines to my lungs and from there to the sternum, finally gushing all the way up to my throat. I apologise if I have got my own anatomy wrong. Now you know why I opted for Humanities after Class X.

Israel, a nation, is at war with Hamas, a terrorist outfit. War is always unfortunate but sometimes it is inevitable. This is such a war. But in between scenes of violence and destruction, Pakistan TV anchors provide a ray of hope, sunshine and very frequently, generous doses of Nitrous Oxide.

A lady anchor, often seen spitting fire, brimstone and the odd dash of venom, wants the Pakistan Air Force to immediately fly to Palestine and bomb Israel and the Pakistan Army to march to Tel Aviv to unfurl the “flag of Islam”. She wants Imran Khan to realise that he is a man (mard) and as such, should be busy fighting Israel. Her guest, an old, retired General of the Pak Army, sits quietly in a corner, unconvinced. There is a look of bewilderment on his face, as if he were saying “You want us to attack Israel, you blithering twit? When was the last time we attacked anyone apart from our own people?”

Another male anchor, frothing at the mouth, wants to know why Pakistan cannot use its “Atomic Bum” on the Jews. Yup, that would scare the Israelis. No one wants a Pakistani to land “bum” first on Tel Aviv. Disgusting, to say the least. Preposteriorous. That’s not a word, folks and I am not going all Shashi Tharoor on you. I just made it up.

The Pakistani Lahori anchors should be tried for various crimes, none more serious than murdering Urdu. It’s a lovely language, broken and battered by a clique who were forced to learn it on the orders of a cadaverous lawyer, who did not speak it. The atrocities perpetrated upon Urdu can best be described in Indian call center training jargon as MTI or Mother Tongue Influence. Some Lucknowites (yes, that’s a word) want to string them up for blasphemy.

The Pakistan Army could do nothing about Kashmir, except send the Pakistani poor to their deaths, all the while themselves acquiring corner plots in various DHAs across Pakistan. This army depends upon Lashkar-e-Toiba and Jaish-e-Mohammad to fight its wars. The best that this army could do was to get their chief General Qamar Javed Bajwa to lie to his own people saying that he deserved a three-year extension because India was going to attack and swallow Pakistan. India did nothing and Bajwa is still enjoying playing God. And Pakistani TV anchors want this army and its chief to fight Israel. Nitrous oxide, anyone?

Another Pakistani anchor wants all Muslim nations to unite and fight Israel. Unite? This is Pakistan where people are not united in celebrating Eid on the same day. Traditionally, Pakistan has celebrated Eid on two different days – Khyber Pakhtunkhwa on one day and the rest of Pakistan on the next. This year they broke their own record by celebrating it on three different days. Apparently, they saw three different moons.

On odd days, Imran Khan begs for and gets rice as Zakat (aid for the poor) from Saudi Arabia. On even days, he plays Don Quixote, charging at the windmills. They say he grows his own weed. Good man. Atmanirbhar Pakistan.

I shall keep it short and sweet, even abrupt.

Get rid of Netflix and Amazon Prime. Tell your cable or satellite dish company to take a walk. Go to YouTube and watch Pakistani anchors at work. Bring out the laughing gas. Let’s party, guys.

Major Gaurav Arya (Veteran)